The Tero Report

It was nice when we stole it

2012-01-29T10:12:00.001-08:00

Now it's a big fu**ing shopping mall.

George explains.
Youtube, George Carlin

Shoppin' and eatin'.

King Sized People!

Lula, anyone? Stephanie Plum books.

Bible Found To Be Proof of Religion

2012-01-28T05:40:00.000-08:00

Tampa, Fl -- Researchers at the Ancient Relic Institute have been examining the material evidence of the Christian Bible. They have come to the conclusion that this particular religion is from the first and second centuries of the common era. The relics that have passed through their hands contain actual words that are still in the Holy Bible in Greek. Later versions of the text in Latin have mysteriously tacked on a history and myth of the Jewish people as well.

Ed Dermont, chief archivist, dates the texts by the ink and the scroll used. "These artifacts are definite proof of a religion." The texts then continue from the middle ages in English, but Ed is not so concerned about these versions. "They are definitely edited, though."

Phone Book and Family Part Ways After Useful Service Period

2012-01-28T05:27:00.001-08:00

Madison, WI -- Muriel Johnson had received the new phone book two weeks ago, and it just sat by the front closet for a while. She then got out a magic marker and marked the bag NEW. It was stacked in the garage on a crate over the previous phone book in a bag.

Having come to a difficult decision, Muriel finally opened the bag of the previous phone book and placed it in the recycling trash. "It served us well for a couple of years. If the internet ever went out and I needed the plumber that day, I would have known where to look."

The new phone book will also be kept in the garage in the bag, to keep it clean until it is needed some day, or recycled.

Natives Spit on Geneva Convention

2012-01-13T15:28:00.000-08:00

Sao Paulo -- A tribe in the Amazon blatantly disregarded Geneva convention. All males in tribe 5 miles across the Paraguay border were killed. Women and girls saved for wives.

The women were OK with this. "We were done with those husbands anyway. Too bad about the boys."

The two villages have been at war for 500 years. The empty village will be repopulated by cousins who find the dead and bury them.

Science not being read

2012-01-03T15:00:00.000-08:00

Of all the thousands of scientific papers published in 2011, only 17 were read. Scientists look at diagrams, summaries and a brief look at the actual lab work. Leave it to the review articles to summarize it later in condensed form.

Of the 17 articles, All were read by Stan Kowalski, 75, an emeritus zoology professor in San Clemente. He reads all experimentals and footnotes. All papers were on spiders and Stan sent in five corrections to the lead authors.

Husband Noisiest Person On Planet

2011-12-22T03:40:00.000-08:00

York, PA --Molly Harrison, 42, says that her husband Al (age approximately 50) is the noisiest person on the planet when he get up in the morning to go work at the aluminum recycling plant at 5:30. He slams kitchen cabinets, drawers and the door to the garage. "He seems to be even noisier now that the kids have moved out. I bet the cave man was quiet. All he had to do was go outside the cave and pee.He could sit there for a while and do whatever it is guys do Sunday mornings. I have no idea. I try to get back to sleep."

Kim Jong-un losing X-Box time

2011-12-20T15:36:00.000-08:00

Pyongyang, North Korea – Having become the designated dictator, young Kim is dismayed at the time he will lose playing X-Box games with his constant companion and footman, Bao. Kim is also now encouraged to do some dating with daughters of his generals. He is used to quick no strings sex on a weekly basis with his three concubines.

Sorry, Tero is not gay!

2011-12-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

It looks like a lot of fun in the video, but sorry, I am not gay.
Two Gay Teros

National Nailclipper Ban

2011-12-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

Tulsa, OK -- Truck driver Travis Burt, 45, was clipping his nails on a
two lane section of a US highway as he ran head on into Jane Morrison,
19, who was texting on her cell phone. Janice died at the crash,
Travis survived but is not expected to fully recover use of his legs.
As a result of the event a National Nailclipper Ban has been proposed
in vehicles. Republicans cried out that states should be allowed to set
their nail clipper policy. Plus, nail clipper sales are known to add at least 0.02% to annual sales at truck stops. The impact on the economy needs to be evaluated.

God Not Aware He Made Our Solar System

2011-12-14T15:38:00.000-08:00

At a Galactic Review Conference God was confronted about the solar
system he once created and a planet Earth, with bipedal tailless
primates running the show. "They are? That is unfortunate", replied
God. He stated he does not remember the details of creating this
solar system, and that he usually "leaves those things to evolve life
on their own," if such a thing happens.

"I haven't been creating solar systems for a long time. Intelligent beings like you kept suing me in Galactic Court. You know, they say they did not ask me to create their solar system or them."

"It does have a moon, this planet of yours?" he added thoughtfully. We
replied that it did. "They usually do..." he stated and wandered off,
robes dragging in the dust.

Job Creators Playing Bridge

2011-12-07T04:25:00.000-08:00

Boston, MA -- A group of twelve millionaires was located in a party room at their country club playing bridge.

"Aren't you people supposed to be creating jobs, since we did not tax you?"

All 12 refused to be identified or photographed. One admitted to having created some jobs. His fund manager invested in mining. In Brazil.

Government Spending Too Much on Propaganda

2011-12-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

Washington -- Republican congressmen have found that the Federal Government spends millions trying to convince innocent citizens that government is necessary and useful.

"This is absolutely preposterous! We could cut taxes by two percent if this propaganda was not spread. The government does not produce anything!"

Opponents pointed out that the Post Office was successful, prior to congress stealing their funds.

Suburban Mother Hides Presents

2011-12-04T16:46:00.001-08:00

Des Moines, IA-- Peggy Smith, mother of Alice (10) and Kelly (15) hides a good part of the presents she bought this year for Christmas. Her sister Gladys, and family, are flying from Buffalo to spend Christmas with them. They will only bring selected small size presents for their children, aged 4 and 8. Peggy will certainly hide a new Nintendo 64 as well as the Pokemon yellow version. She could only obtain one copy of that sold out item for Alice through her brother in law Carl, who works at a games store. Both sisters will select gifts for the shared unwrapping event based on strict criteria. Peggy feels Gladys' gifts are too educational and Gladys thinks Peggy buys her children "mindless crap." The husbands will unwrap sensible clothing items.

Governor Berry To Cut Bird Funds

2011-12-03T05:15:00.000-08:00

Dallas -- Speaking to a local hunting group, governor Dick Berry announced his plan as president regarding birds.

"We will cut government funding to ornithology of wild birds. Birds do not make anything, like bees do. You will be able to shoot all the cranes, ducks and whatever. There are more birds where they came from. We will get Mexican birds to replace them. The border is open to birds, even Canadian birds."

Perry, Gingrich, Romney and Obama in Hermann Conspiracy

2011-11-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

Hermann Munster has decided to quit the presidential race after all his opponents conspired and produced 24 women whose breasts he supposedly fondled.

"I am innocent but I am doing this so we can move forward to defeat Obama."

Fishes And Loaves Goes Wrong

2011-11-21T16:18:00.000-08:00

San Diego, CA -- A preschoolers re-enactment of the Jesus miracle went badly wrong at an area Christian school. The lines were read by Josh:

Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”
“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.

Then the girls brought the bread out and baskets. But as soon as the kids saw Taylor holding the dead fish, all ran out.

"We should have used fish sticks," said Mrs. Jones, the organizer, afterwards.

Man Confused: No New Flash Player

2011-11-19T07:55:00.000-08:00

Davenport, IA -- After getting his coffee and doughnut from the nearest gas station, Ted Baxter, 35, was really confused.

Adobe Flash Player did not offer him and "important update" to be installed. "It usually does that every time I turn the computer on for the day."

Government Takes over NASCAR safety

2011-11-19T06:48:00.000-08:00

Washington -- Concerned about traffic safety, the US government passed legislation for all NASCAR tracks to have lanes painted. Passing zones shall be clearly marked. No speed limits are set, it is after all a race.

President Obama signed the bill and took a lap around a track in a Mini Cooper. He normally does not drive a stick shift. But the mini was more green, though the crowd jeered the odd vehicle.

Governor Berry Forgets Left Hand

2011-11-10T16:52:00.000-08:00

Chicago -- In a televised debate of Republican candidates, Governor Berry gesticulated with his right hand and spoke eloquently on many questions. But when it came to the names of his children, he occasionally forgets Bobby, the youngest. Similarly he forgets that he has a left hand and occasionally forgets to put the ring on it.

"I did not fondle the leg of that woman who accuses me." Perhaps his left hand has a mind of its own, and no memory.

Berry has gone for days completely ignoring the left hand, using a knife and fork in the right hand, taking turns. Driving a car, he may let go with the left hand.

When the leftist ideas of President Obama are brought up, Berry's left hand is often seen shaking a little. He pretends not even to hear any ideas that smell of government plans and control. All power shall be left to the states.

Death Metal Dude Gives Up Metal

2011-11-09T18:45:00.000-08:00

Stockholm -- Citing difficulties writing more death metal lyrics, Cadaverath (born Olle Petterson) resigned from his band AutoPsy. He will be pursuing his career in teaching preschool.

"Having been a Lutheran, Satanist, Pagan, a Witch and a Buddhist, I found reasons to come up with interesting lyrics. But it all turning meaningless. I may be becoming mostly agnostic. When I sing now, I just sound like Cookie Monster."

Hermann Not Groping Several Women

2011-10-31T16:06:00.000-07:00

Republican Presidential candidate Hermann Munster Jr. claims he did not fondle the breasts of two women in an association he was president of. "There was only one breast involved."

Universe 13.7 Years Old

2011-10-26T15:29:00.000-07:00

Stanford -- Scientists at the University in Palo Alto calculated the age of the Universe again and noted that previous authors who got 13.7 Billion Years got a few decimals off. It is only 13.7 years old. That places it at 1997. All of history now turns out to be just a glitch in the space-time continuum. All events prior to that are now placed in so called Christian Time, which goes back to about 6000 B.C.

Science Determined to be just Liberal Left Propaganda

2011-10-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

Kentucky -- Thanks to the freedom of home schooling, Americans can now throw out evil scienntific dogma about life, the universe and global warming. You can find the real science on the Internet! Carbon dating? Ridiculous! Macroevolution? Don't make us laugh. Micro is OK, we think. Isn't that right, Ken?

ANSWERS IN SCIENCE

Executives Tune Out

2011-10-23T19:57:00.000-07:00

Philadelphia, PA -- Unnamed executives at a local board room were scheduled to meet with their CEO when it came to them that the new Smart Board was never explained fully to them, and Jackson was out of town. He knows this stuff intuitively. The group waited for the IS person to show up to fix it to work with the guest speaker laptop. They had been through similar delays numerous times and all knew to reject more coffee and pastries. They would be running to the rest room by the time the screen was fixed and Jack would not and then he would look sour. So they all poked at Blackberries and iPhones while one executive poked at the fruit with the deluxe plastic fork.

Coming Out

2011-10-23T09:01:00.001-07:00

But most of you knew that already.

Evolution and the Fundie TV Host

2011-10-23T05:06:00.000-07:00

It's only a cartoon. But enjoy.
SPECIAL INVESTIGATION

Cat Gets Passed Around Millions of Times

2011-10-21T18:31:00.000-07:00

Internet-- With millions of people posting, copying and saving the picture, cute upset cat gets fame without getting famous. Nobody remembers who the cat is and where it lives.

Christian Student Learning Dangerous Science

2011-10-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

Zanesville, OH - Tiffany McBeal, 15, came home upset about her chemistry class. "Mr Johnson told us about atoms and subatomic particles and stuff. We're made of mostly nothing. Even chocolate!" Her mother Karen knows that Tiffany wants to go to study nursing and is pretty smart. Unlike her sister Betty who went to hairdresser school. Karen remembers Betty studying the chemicals for dyeing hair and permanents, but they were real things, not this silly molecule stuff. "I don't know, soon Mr. Johnson will be telling Tiffany about evolutions and big bangs and such. Who does he think he is, with his master's degree? Even my husband has an accounting degree."

Tea Party Researcher Pinpoints Problem

2011-10-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

Boise, ID -- Tea Party researcher Ed Mann has thoroughly researched the problems of the common man, and the parts that can be traced to the Government. Ed used a subject, himself, to track down all personal problems. Federal prison, taxes, government job. Ed has experienced all these. "If they had not taxed me so much, I would have some saved up for my lawn care business when I got laid off. The machines only lasted two years and now I have no work in the summer other than pool clening."

Extrapolating form himself to the general population, "all problems are due to the Government."

Americans ANGRY and UPSET

2011-10-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

Chicago -- In a national telephone poll of 338 Americans, 25% were angry at Washington politics, 38% somewhat peeved and 37% really upset because they could not find the TV or dish remote.

Physical Constants Of The Universe Found To be Constant

2011-10-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

Switzerland -- Scientists at the big cyclotron thing here made some discoveries about the speed of light. However, Professor Schmidt, retired, will explain the whole thing on the back of a napkin at the village pub in Donfraumilch. It is apparently first year college physics. The conclusion is that "stuff is just made of these atoms and those are made of subatomic particles and they define everything." The optimum size of planets and suns, gravity, everything. It is pretty much stuck the way it is. It is a property of matter that does not change, no matter who puts it together from what.

Anthropic Principle? don't make me laugh.

99% too stupid to react till the 1% already own everything

2011-10-09T05:39:00.001-07:00

United States -- Having spent some 400 years pioneering and changing an untamed land to a wealthy nation, the stupid 99% of the population suddenly realize they have willingly given all their wealth to the ones that never bothered to put on work boots but simply manipulated the money.

Dying Man Gets Urgent Message

2011-10-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

Wichita, KS -- Always a supporter of learning, evolution and "all that shit", Ben Steinberg, 75, was annoyed to find a "Urgent Final Notice" in his mailbox for National Geographic. "I figured they would know I had died or something, after subscribing 40 years and not renewing. I hope they don't call, I am not answering." Ben will barely make it to 2012, his doctor says. He had taken care of all his "shit" and did not want loose ends. Ben also had thought to buy a couple of the issues till his death at Barnes and Noble. "Now I ain't doing that either, fuck them." Ben will read only the civil war magazine as he has his weekly lunch at the bookstore.

Cell Phone Tower Knocks Out Competition

2011-09-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

Kansas City, MO -- Struggling in heavy winds for several weeks, an American Cellular tower fell over, knocking out a Verizon tower as it fell. Both companies had temporary rigs set up within 24 hours.

Nokia Tablet: No Touch Screen

2011-09-28T17:12:00.001-07:00

Not to be left behind, Nokia will introduce a no-touch screen computer in January.

Left Handed NASCAR driver not handicapped!

2011-09-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

Daytona, FL -- Despite having been born left handed, Todd Akin, 27, has made a strong NASCAR career in his native Alabama and Florida. Though he may hesitate coming into that left turn, the left hand confidently steers him back on line right at the end of the curve. On straight ways he is very aggressive. Others thought a few months back he would not have the fine motor skills for a left turn.

Todd has dreams of becoming a formula 1 racer some day, as he is infinitely superior to all NASCAR drivers at making right turns as well.

Georgia Having Trouble Executing

2011-09-21T17:41:00.000-07:00

With a black man set to be executed, world anger was directed at Georgia today. An off duty police officer was killed some 20 years ago. With great expense we've kept a man on death row for a long time. The white policeman is dead and two black men were at the scene. Both were gun owners and knew how to shoot. Some bullet casings were left at the scene.

Does the state have the authority to execute one with just casings as evidence? Witnesses have changed testimony. Some do not agree. Angry Frenchmen are protesting. They are not even in focus, so what business is it of theirs, says the governor. Who will have all the white people voting for him next time.

Republicans Whining About Entitlements Again

2011-09-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

Washington -- "Just what I expected to hear, he (Obama) is going to raise taxes. Not one word in his speech about cutting entitlements."

Contributors to Republican campaigns do not use entitlements and could care less if there is Medicare or not. The party thus resembles most of its supporters.

Unemployment Not Caused By Government

2011-09-16T04:26:00.000-07:00

Boston -- Chief Economist of the Columbia Bank and Trust Co. Rex Harrison, 32, has just released a study that shows how unemployment works. "It's a feature of capitalism," he says. "Just like those years with overpopulations of lemmings and owls, as a consequence." So the government has nothing to do with it. There is almost nothing the US president can do. Stimulus plans only dampen it, the length of the cycle remains the same.

Republicans Go Home

2011-09-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

Jan 1, 2013 -- With their mission accomplished, Republicans will stay another week and finish up the voting. They will then shut down government until 2014 election. All congressmen will go home. The President will stay as commander in chief.

Republicans Seize Power!

2011-09-15T15:19:00.000-07:00

Nov 6, 2012 --With Tea Party help, the Republicans took over congress and the White House.

The first order of business will be to cut income tax down to a flat 10%.

Why Are There Still People?

2011-09-14T18:34:00.000-07:00

Chimpanzee global convention, Africa.

The representatives of 200 000 chimpanzees gathered to discuss why are there still people? They were supposed to be wiped out with ebola, with AIDS. These buggers just keep multiplying! The best chimp scientists estimate there to be a billion in Africa alone.

Others were considering more drastic measures.

Hovind Ice Shield

2011-09-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

Enjoy!

You Tube Video

Meaning Is Highly Overrated

2011-09-10T04:01:00.000-07:00

Oxford, England -- Philosophers collected at a world convention were gathered at the end for a press conference. With the exception of William Lane Craig, all were of the same opinion: "Meaning" is highly overrated. Seeking meaning is useless. They suggest you try some of the hors d'oeuvres provided for the press conference.

Stale Chips Escape Disposal for Two Months

2011-09-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

Springfield, MO -- After an early summer trip, cheesy Doritos, the wrong type for most household members, got pushed to the back of the cabinet at the Jones residence. The chips were discovered after Barb, 42, needed a clip from the bag for her hint of jalapeno flavored Tostitos and without a second threw out the long surviving Doritos.

Killer Trees Emerge From Hurricane

2011-08-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

East Coast -- Throughout the path of hurricane Irene, killer trees have come out to attack and quickly dispose of clueless citizens. The trees will smash buildings in the way if they locate a human nearby.

Authorities recommend those equipped with chain saws to destroy all trees near a residence, if you live anywhere in the coastal areas.

Linguist stuck on Splot

2011-08-27T08:23:00.001-07:00

MIT -- Renowned linguist Ed Morgenthal has been researching the etymology of split, splat, splot and related words such as splosh and blotch for the past year. The words seem to be partly descriptive of liquids or semisolids hitting a floor or other object by falling. However, written records of splot are few. Yet, slang experts seem to think the word actually exists, but each had a different slang meaning to it.

Muammar Qaddafi Hiding In Saddam's Old Hole In Iraq

2011-08-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

Iraq -- Thinking that nobody looks there anymore, Muammar Qaddafi has settled in with canned beans into Hussein's old hiding hole, where he was located eventually.

"They will never look in here. I have car batteries to last for 3 weeks and lots of DVDs."

Tero In Finnish

2011-08-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

My old columns in Finnish now available again:
http://lukunurkka.etusivu.net/terontorvest.php

Live
LINK

Neil Peart Wants Drum Crane

2011-08-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles -- After seeing Blink 182 drummer Travis, Neil Peart of Rush asked his manager to get going on "some kind of crane like that, only shaped like a mororcycle."

Scrapbooker Makes Album of Evil Ex-Husband

2011-08-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

Milwaukee, WI -- Scrap-booker and health teacher Maryanne Kowalski, 37, started on a scrap book and photo album of her ex husband. She added some wrinkles and beard stubble and some beer cans with photo shop.

In a brilliant move she took a photo of Ozzy and his daughter, was it Kelly? Anyway she put her ex and her daughter Pam into those clothes and that hair.

Maryanne does not need therapy to get on with life. When she is done with the album, she puts it in the attic and is done with exes. For now. She has been photoshopping some potential boyfriends into family photos.

Wreckless Eric Not To Go On Tahiti Tour

2011-08-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

France -- Eric brings this up every once in a while. The Tahiti Tour. He says he has lots of fans there.

Wife Amy has always vetoed it calmly. Now she lost her nerve and said: No no and no! You are just looking for her!

So they are not going, not even together.

Club Mosses Mock Plants That Just Showed Up

2011-08-15T16:48:00.001-07:00

The Devonian, Gondwana -- On a wet hillside, club mosses have grown for eons. Then just this spring these leafy things showed up! Popping up on the upland side of a ditch, the leafy things grew from seeds, they guess.

"But who do they think they are? This it the devonian. We might get some new conifers here soon, but this leaf business is totally whacko. We understand these plants will drop the leaves in the fall. What's the point in that? It's like those needles the conifers keep dropping on us."

Ferns they totally understand, but those leaves are much more practical. What will these guys on the upland hillock do next? Grow flowers? Where are your friends the bees? Wait for the tertiary eras. Get back where you belong!

Bachelor Shops Bread and Cheese

2011-08-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

Oak Brook, IL -- Bachelor Greg Plinth, 33, shopped at his local supermarket. An upscale pleasant store. He bought bread, cheese, some grapes. Then he went to look for refreshing drinks. It has been kind of hot in his apartment. He wondered what to do next.

Greg had some movies saved on his teevee equipment, but was not sure he would watch any. There is always Sunday.

The lady at the cash register smiled at him. She must be under 45, she looks OK. But probably married. He decided not to call her Kathy, what the button on her breast said.

There was a magazine on the stand with Sandra Bullock on the cover. Some optimistic headline about her getting her shit together. But Greg would rather be Greg Plinth, not Sandra Bullock.

Life was meaningful.

TV in Gym Stuck On Prostate Health Channel

2011-08-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

Columbus, OH -- The TV set at a local gym has been stuck on a channel for several days now. Today the channel seemed to run prostate health infomercials.

This is the set nearest the three exercise bikes. It can be turned off by touching the edge of the set. But the channel changer only works with the Direct TV remote. First a man in his fifties cycled for five minute, jumped off the bike and went to the toilet.

The next was a woman. She managed to turn it off first. This went on all day. Finally the remote got enough power back to go to the next channel up. It is now stuck on the Brazilian Butt infomercial.

Diving Shop Under Water

2011-08-09T15:58:00.001-07:00

Oxford, OH -- Due to flooding in the Little Miami river, Earl McIntosh's Dive Shop near the river is now under water.

Having lent his wet suit and tank to a friend over the weekend, Earl had the equipment and his oldest compressor at home. He had to dive to his cash register to get the key to his business safe deposit box. There he found the deed and insurance papers.

Next, Earl offered wet suits for 50% off for anyone who could retrieve some. He would pay 10 dollars for other suits retrieved. The tanks can stay there, they are made to work under water and will just need to be hosed off.

Old Wallet Tossed To Trash After Years Of Service

2011-08-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

Joplin, MO -- Scott Beeler, 23, tossed his old trifold wallet in the trash, after sitting outside Walgreens. He had just purchased the new trifold wallet, black, there.

"It's actually not as good, the old one was better till last week. When I got it wet on a canoe trip. I got a job interview Monday. They might ask to see my ID and social security card, so I want to have a nice new wallet too. Plus the old one smells from having been wet."

Both wallets were Chinese and were purchased at the same Walgreens store, though the store was remodeled to a drive through since the first wallet.

Standard and Poor's Drops US AAA Batteries

2011-08-06T03:46:00.000-07:00

Following the recent spending and debt crisis, Standard and Poor's rated US battery use, a leading economic indicator, AA. Citizens must now use AA batteries where AAA, a more elegant and expensive battery, was previously used.

This is not really a problem for the everyday consumer. Canada has gotten by for years with C batteries, and Denmark only uses D batteries.

The Green Battery Party immediatly came out and lashed at the government for allowing the use of disposable batteries and will run in the next election on the Rechargeable Device and Battery platform, with financial backing by Apple.

Obama Down To 2 Cigarettes after Vote

2011-08-05T15:31:00.000-07:00

White House -- President Obama was down to two cigarettes after the budget vote. Michelle buys all the Target, drug store and convenience store items for the family. Obama gets hold of one carton at a time and never gets to smoke in any of their living quarters. Typically he can get away and have the limo stop at a convenience store while the secret service runs in and get him a pack. But lately he has not had time.

Luckily the Cabinet was aware of his approaching end of the week quota and chipped in to get 2 cartons of mild cigarettes. Not his favorite choice, but the president gladly took the cartons and hid them in his sock drawer.

Senator Makes An Effort To Make Big Vote

2011-08-02T16:05:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC -- Senator Roger Mellman (R-ND)almost made it to the Debt Ceiling vote today. Yesterday he was one of the Senators demanding to read the bill before voting on it. His staff put it on his Color Nook as a pdf file. His wife found him asleep with the Nook and put it to recharge overnight.'

This morning he was reading it at the toilet for ten minutes. Then he broke a tooth at breakfast. The Senator made it to his office, where he was still reading the Nook when his dentist called with a cancellation, and could he be there in 20 minutes? Of course he could, so he had the limo ready in no time.

By the time he got back form the dentist, after stopping for a few drinks to help numb the tooth weird feelings (the man never uses enough local anesthetic, the Senator thought), the vote was over.

Well, he would have voted NO anyway and that was what we was going to tell his voters.

The Senator was also glad he got his staff to get a Kindle. "The battery lasts longer."

Dad Buys Last CD at Gas Station

2011-08-01T18:55:00.000-07:00

Eau Claire, WI -- On a trip up north, Eric Cantor, 58, came out of a truck stop with coffee in one hand and a Joe Walsh CD in the other. He announced to his kids Jack, 19, and Elsa, 16, that this 5.99 CD was the last CD he had planned to buy from a gas station.

The trip up north had been successful, and they had working iPods left in the car. "But we played everything already." Looking at the CD, Jack announced that it did not have Rocky Mountain High. Dad explained that Joe may have had more hits, but only Life's Been Good was essential. "I can't relate to all of it, but there is a message here," Dad summed up, before popping it into the Pilot CD changer.

Obama Caught Hiding Debt

2011-07-30T10:54:00.001-07:00

Washington, DC -- Not able to sleep last night, President Obama tried to hide the debt ceiling increase in an on line Visa card transaction of three trillion.

The president is entitled to a P-card that he is not personally responsible for. However, the credit limit is well below three trillion. By several orders.

The President was not available for comment.

Bush In Store Much Bigger Than In Ground

2011-07-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

Traverse City, MI -- Fred Hoyle, 66, spent a morning planting a bush. First he had dug most of the hole ready and picked up a bush at the nursery.

"It looked quite a bit bigger in the store than after planting. Oh yeah, the pot. The sticker says it grows to three feet pretty soon, though."

Atheist Missionaries Bring Message Of Joy

2011-07-30T06:50:00.000-07:00

Buenos Aires -- Approaching recently contacted tribes that live primitive lives, atheist missionaries Chuck and Brian, both 22, have taken the trouble to go contact these peoples.

"Usually they believe in animism or ancestor worship. We are fine with these. We bring the message of joy that there is no hell, before the Catholic missionaries get here. We have vaccines, if they accept them. We might be able to make a deal for some simple goods as a bribe to allow us to vaccinate them. At the same time we can make the message of no God to fear."

Tribal elders were unable to understand the God message at the first stop. However, a local male of about 18 did take the opportunity to get drunk with Chuck and Brian.

"The local drink gave us one heck of a hangover. I am starting to look toward no afterlife," added the visibly weak Brian.

Old People Problem

2011-07-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

Langley, VA -- The Freedom America think tank has analyzed the causes
of America's fiscal problems.

Unlike liberal analysts, who blame Bush for tax cuts and wars, the
Freedom outfit has located the real cause of our problems. All the
money is going to take care of little old ladies and cuddly bearded
old men. Some men are also bald and not so cute, but we will take care
of that. They did not take care of saving for their retirement, and we
must now take care of their problems.

The solution is to place these old people, who can not take care of
themselves, into a national zoo, where we can charge admission for
people to see them. Veterinarians can be trained to take care of
incontinence, prostate and constipation problems. The main cost will
be the purchase of tread mills, as the old times will still need to
get excercise. Besides, we can't just watch them do cross word puzzles
and sudokus. If there is enough money, we can build some tennis courts
for the healthier old timers.

Man Renews Subscriptions After Fifth Warning

2011-07-28T16:52:00.000-07:00

Ishpeming, MI -- Ed Heikkinen, 59, always waits for the fifth warning letter to renew his National Geographic and other maganizes.

"Yes, I always have lots of fun with them. Then I mess with Time and Newsweek by switching between them every two years."

Marigolds Die 2 Months After CEO Visit

2011-07-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

York, PA -- CEO Steve Jobbes visited the local Karmac Inc plant a month ago, or maybe six weeks. Landscaping and potted plants were hastily added.

Employees at the widget, diaphragm and membrane manufacturer plant, one of over a hundred, enjoyed the plants for a few weeks. Especially the smokers that had to go outside the main gate to the smoke shack and bench.

Groundskeepers have not had time to go water all those things "on account of all the heat". All groundskeepers were located at the smoke shack.

Mr. Jobbes never managed to see any of the hourly workers. All seats in the auditorium were taken by salaried employees.

Congressional Urinal Helps Politicos Decide

2011-07-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

Wahington, DC -- Both John Boehner and Harry Reid have spent time at the Capitol lately, and at five minutes to midnight today came to be at the urinals together.

Ten minutes later they emerged with numbers on the back of an envelope.

The new budget looks exactly like the Boehner budget, but it now has 2.5 million dollars yearly to save the black footed ferret. This may anger some ranchers as prairie dogs are also involved.

Congress In Bitter Budget Struggle Over Epson vs. HP

2011-07-25T16:10:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC -- In a three week bitter battle, house Democrats have teamed up with Republicans over a printer budget. Each congressman wants a personal copy of laws they helped pass. The preferred brand and a "super deal" is with Epson for eight years. The Senate in the mean time is insisting on the old HP-printers they have had for years. "Let's not have the Canon fiasco again," said one Senator.

Tea Party candidates want to go with a paperless Congress and electronic signatures. President Obama was willing to go along with the Tea Partyers as long as he could still sign in person. It seemed to be a tradition, with Presidents.

Tea Party congressmen also favored the paperless bills because they would not pass new laws, only repeal old ones. "It's all useless paper and bureaucracy," stated their unnamed spokesman.

Tea Party Analysts: Government Hoarding Our Water

2011-07-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

Arizona -- Jack Scott, Arizona Tea Party Grand Poobah, had a team working on this for several months. What they have discovered is astounding. The federal government is actually hoarding our water in several reservoirs out West.

Party members plan immediate action.

Advertising Useless

2011-07-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

Chicago, IL -- Marketing analysts are stunned to find advertising dollars have become useless as cable channels rise. The first 600 channels have recorded data. As the channels increase, the viewers actually getting the message are getting close to 1% of the target audience. When there were four channels, it was 80%.

Doritos found that the ad for chips was viewed by one 75-year old woman in Iowa.

Budget Still Stuck

2011-07-22T17:43:00.001-07:00

Washington DC -- Having had a half year to fumble around, white
Republicans have come to a realization: they can't possibly come to a
deal with a black man in the white house. One accidentally gave him
car keys for valet parking.

When asked about their racial problem, none of the congressmen
returned our calls.

Republicans To Spend Week Huffing and Puffing

2011-07-20T05:58:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC -- Experts predict the gang of six plan for the budget
will pass after a week. The plan has two problems. Obama has supported
it, and it comes from the Senate. This makes house Republicans look
like ameteurs. Congressmen will spend a week huffing and puffing,
pretending to represent the little people and tea partyers. Then they
will eventually vote for it. It will have to have some little bit
attacking Obamacare. Perhaps with a small chisel. They will go after
Obamacare with a sledgehammer in 2012.

Rock Fan Forced To See My Chemical Romance for 5th Time

2011-07-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Erie, PA -- Cal Schenkel, 32, has gone with the same friends to assorted concerts for three years. Nobody was really raving about this band and all had seen it once or twice. Cal started counting.

"Yeah, four times. I'm not even a fan, but I know the songs pretty well by now. They just always get booked on the same bill with the bands I really want to see."

The whole gang is going to see them in August with Blink 182, now Cal's fifth time for the Chemical guys.

Box Offices Hit By Magic

2011-07-19T04:27:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter, the movie finale, has broken box offices around the
world. Box offices magically changed, such as an oak tree growing into
one and right through the building roof. Bills and coins were shooting
out all over the place for movie goers to collect.

Republicans Whiners

2011-07-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

Minneapolis MN--
Republicans and their Tea Party allies were voted the year's biggest
whiners, as Minnesota prepares to go fishing again. People seemed to
have a dislike to bullying politicians like governor Walker, but it was
all the whining about the government and taxes that was really turning
people away from politics to happy diversions such as Harry Potter and
fishing while the summer dags on.

Tea Party To Balance Budget

2011-07-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC -- Members of the Tea Party proposed cutting the socialist school lunch program. This Program will save 8.7 trillion from the budget. Or Billion. Or something. They will get back to us.

In any case, something Federal needs to be cut. Taking over the Sporting Conservation Council, they plan to open all federal lands to hunting, including wild life reserves. The goal is to wipe out mourning doves in five years.

Republicans Solve Budget

2011-07-17T16:26:00.000-07:00

Washington DC -- In a bold move, Republicans cut everybody's taxes by 10%. Frustrated by not being able to cut spending or debt, congressmen said "fuck this" and lowered taxes 6AM. Then they had a pancake breakfast and had a silent prayer.

John Boehner is reported to have gone fishing and did not vote.

"Our bloated and obese federal budget needs a healthy and balanced diet, one that trims the fat of overspending and grows the muscle of our nation's economy," read Rep. Reid Ribble of Wisconsin off his index card, his first reals speech. But nobody was there to listen anymore.

The CATO institute is working on new math to solve it all.

Wifi Worked Just Fine

2011-07-13T14:46:00.000-07:00

Somewhere, WI -- Tourists Cathy and Mick, both 23, sat on the rotten steps of a little public library, closed, to send a few e-mails home to England. Wifi worked just fine.

They were headed to a convenience store to get a small bag of charcoal, hot dogs and buns. The campsite had a grill. The tent was too small to sit around in.

Holistic Economists to cure Lung Infection

2011-07-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC --Hired by Republican lawmakers, a group of Holistic Economists plan to help the economy in a big way.

Mark Bozworth is leading the group and states that "the Economy has trouble standing up, because it is so weak. We need to put the workers, the feet and legs, back to work, but first we must take care of the head and some fluid in the lings." The lung fluid can be eliminated by lowering and capping corporate taxes at 25%. This is apparently to lure business out of Canada where the rate is 33%.

"The Economy is really allergic to taxes on the wealthy as well, so that has to be capped at 25% for all income over 200 000 a year."

Blind Agnostic Has Trouble With Invisible God

2011-07-08T15:34:00.001-07:00

Worcester, MA -- Ed Bradley, 39, has been wrestling with seeing people's concepts of religion for his entire life. "On the one hand, I could criticize atheists for lack of imagination. On the other hand, I took high school physics. SO I can imagine seeing things by touching things, I can you know "visualize" what you people do with your eyes. A sort of a quick scan of a space by some texture you get into your eyes. Color I can't imagine." Ed says he does not believe any religious dogma, but as "a somewhat lonely person, I like to imagine something out there I can meditate with."

Ed says he does not think about these things too much, he prefers music as a way to communicate feelings. The words are not that necessary.

Causality Needs To Be Meditated With

2011-07-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

Eugene, OR -- Richard Ongstrom, an Anglicized form of Ångström, has started a congregation of the Church of Causality. A former Moonie, Richard studied many faiths and came to be in touch with The Causality last year.

The causality thinking appears to be a type of First Cause philosophy. The Universe could not come from nothing goes this thinking. But Richard appears to be in touch with the cause. "The Cause does not exist in time, so he is there now as he was in the beginning. If we stop believing in the cause, the cause disappears. When the beginning disappears, so does the present."

The religion appears to be involved with the here and now more than any afterlife. The members have as many children as possible, so that they can continue believing in the cause and make our existence possible.

Richard calls his contact a type of meditation. The Cause does not answer questions for him, but his belief in it brings the meditator a calmness and faith in the future.

Two Coffees Needed

2011-07-04T06:06:00.000-07:00

Evanston, IL -- Machinist Ed Moncton, 39 and single, got up at six. He went to the bathroom and then turned the clock radio off. "Shit, this is Fourth of July, I don't have work." Ed was out of milk, but he brewed some coffee, added powder creamer. After two pop tarts and two coffees, he was still sitting at his computer. There were no personal e-mails and absolutely no plans for the day. Looking out, it was raining. He decided not to ride his Harley.

Composers Somewhat Interesting, But Not For Long

2011-07-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

Boston, MA -- Modern American composers met for their annual convention and showcase. The gathering was followed by the Spectacular Chamber Orchestra Week, free to the public. The public seemed to consist of music students gettin extra credit points.

The composers, few of whom are recorded, were quite enthusiastic about their somewhat above average works. The invited speaker was rising star Michael Daugherty, with recorded works such as the Superman stuff.

Old timers are still fondly remembering the time Frank Zappa came to Ohio State and lectured to them about being useless failures.

Jack and Bob left us some burned CDs of quintets and wind band works, but we lost their business cards and forget where they teach composing and band.

Man Disappears By Spontaneous Combustion

2011-06-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

Davenport, IA -- Ted Lumbar, 32, apparently spontaneously combusted in his car.

His remains, some ashes and a belt buckle, have been in a car at the mall for two days. Mall officials were somewhat suspicious of the car and did not have it hauled away.

Family members were out of town for two days and did not report him missing before. Ted posted a Facebook update just minutes before going up in smoke. He had finished a taco salad for dinner at the food court. However, police are treating it as a hoax or a disappearance, and a coroner could not find any tissue or cells to analyze other than finger prints in the car.

Door Knob Tossed To Trash After Five Years Of Service

2011-06-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

Madison, WI -- Home owner Brad Kowalski, 32, agnostic, replaced the door knob going out to the back yard after five years of service. Two of his three children have never known another door knob there. The one he put in looks pretty much the same but shiny and new.

The kids and Kathy, 31, are out there on the trampoline in the back yard. Brad loves her dearly and is glad she is busy with the kids. She is a bit of a fundamentalist and still protested at abortion clinics when they had Kyle, now 7, and lived in an apartment.

Two months ago Brad had a vasectomy. "I'm not putting four kids through college. I'm just a developer who dropped out of college after three years."

Modern Piece of Music Not 90 minutes long

2011-06-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

Hartford, CT -- While doing some busy work with a battle scene model from the Civil War, music enthusiast Fred Hoyle, 39, had on a burned CD he had titled Living Composers. The Nyman pieces were fine, then there was a David Bedford piece that seemed to go on forever. It may have played over the 80 minute limit of a CD. Fred wiped his hands from glue and picked up the case. Time was 11:57 for the piece. It was the CD that was stuck on a groove.

The burned CD went in the trash pile from the modeling work. So much for serialist work, back to Tchaikovsky and the 1812 Overture.

Half Hour Work Brings Amazon order to $25.01

2011-06-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

Ballwin, MO -- Shopping for a new bird ID book by Kenn Kaufman, reporter Tero spends half an hour shopping for more stuff.

There were certainly books he wanted to read, but some could be had for pennies used. Only the new ones can add up to the 25 dollars required for free shipping.

Playing with numerous combinations of CDs and books, adding and removing all but the Kaufman book, Tero got close to 27 dollars.

What about Beethoven? He is not a huge Beethoven fan, playing only three of the nine Symphonies, there was a very nice Naxos disc of smaller works. Adding it gave $25.01. With relief, Tero clicked the button for Free Shipping. Bingo! The purchase was done, more weekly fun* on the Master Card, not form Amazon but a competing store.

*He claims to be helping the economy and creating jobs.

CDs to Disappear?

2011-06-18T03:39:00.000-07:00

Ballwin, MO -- Your editor is having a hard time deciding whether to buy 29 discs of Telemann. CDs may soon be gone from easy shopping. What if the player quits working?

There are 29 discs in thin sleeves in the box.

The discs include such rarities as:
CD21-23 PARIS QUARTETS
Musica ad Rhenum, Jed Wentz

CD24 BASS CANTATAS
Christian Hilz bass
Ensemble Cordia, Stefano Veggetti

CD25-26 KANTATEN AUS DEM HARMONISCHEN GOTTESDIENST
Ingrid Schmithüsen soprano
Klaus Mertens baritone
Il Concertino Köln

CD27 INO · OVERTURE IN D
Barbara Schlick soprano
Musica Antiqua Köln, Reinhard Goebel

Atheist Mom Loves Children

2011-06-16T16:46:00.000-07:00

Palo Alto, CA -- Sally Fields, 43, loves her kids Bonnie, 8, and Ricky, 11. "Even though I know love is just some molecular activity in my neurons."

Sally, Bonnie and Ricky are having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and know that "everything is made of molecules, even peanut butter. But it tastes good," explained Ricky.

15-Year Old Decides To Be Sex Columnist

2011-06-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

Chicago, IL -- Inspired by reading every Dan Savage column, and by talking to some gay friends, Bob Castle decided that this is for me! Having only one experience with a real live girl is not going to hold him back. "I may have the disadvantage of being a heterosexual male, but I will start my advice in a blog next year, and by the time I start college, I will be a pro."

Bob has five anonymous contributions from some friends for questions for the blog. The first one seems to be about kissing.

Cats and Dogs Irrelevant

2011-06-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

Cambridge, MA -- Dogs were found to make a significant impact with man on the environment when working, but this is a very small percentage of dogs.

Cats and dogs made no impact on the urban and small town life and environment of other animals. The overproduction of bird nestlings takes into account all the cats.

Cats and dogs were on the whole irrelevant.

Area cat lady Myrtle Krebsbach was asked to comment on the study. She said she was a significant factor in the lives of stray cats and dogs and "they are not irrelevant." All her good deeds were of immense importance to that cat or dog.

Myrtle herself thought she was relevant as well.

Speaking to her church group, it was determined she had indeed heard the starfish sermon.[regarding beached star fish]

Viagra Magnetic Stirrer Junked

2011-06-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

Sandwich, Kent -- Due to a laboratory accident in a now mostly abandoned wing of a research lab, the magnetic stirrer, a Corning model, that stirred two of the Viagra syntetic reactions, was hopelessly contaminated. In its heyday it did the famous acylation with 2-ethoxybenzoyl chloride in a late stage intermediate.

It was bagged by chemists and disposed of by burning. Chemists took their lab coats off and escorted the historic stirrer to the disposal truck.

Googling No Help With Miele Washer

2011-06-05T16:31:00.001-07:00

Austin, MN -- Stuck home for a day by himself, Ben McCarthy, 49 attempted to run the family Miele washer. The dial was obvious, and the machine started to run. But why are there slots in the soap compartment marked I and II? There is usually only one soap. Is the other one for bleach or what?

Google was no help, he had no idea what model washer it was.

After half an hour he peeked into the soap compartment. The soap went in!

No knickers, bras or red t-shirts went into this wash.

The washer came from Rochester, Patty wanted a front loader when American brands were not available. Ben did the electrician work to up the amps himself.

Glove Reunited With Partner in Sock Drawer

2011-05-31T18:44:00.000-07:00

Ballwin, MO -- A brown leather glove, believed to be missing in action, was relocated under the backseat of a Honda Pilot. The other glove had spent the months with two other brown gloves in the same sock drawer, except for a few months in winter when the happily married pair were in use.

The reunion took place in a private home with much hugging.

Sarah Palin in Seattle And Chicago

2011-05-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

Seattle, Chicago -- Giving talks on a bus tour, Sarah Palin gave speeches, where she has not announced a candidacy, but really really wants to, and seems to have appeared in Chicago and Seattle at the same time.

Among the media outlets covering Palin’s tour are networks such as CNN and NBC, along with a host of local television stations. Timings on camera footage are clocked in real time and she seems to have appeared in Seattle and Chicago, with about 10 minutes of overlap in the speeches.

Doctors and physicists are now examining Palin. She herself thinks it is a miracle.

News analysts have gone over both sets of video. Sarah did not say anything of significance in either one.

Last Words

2011-05-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

Manhattan, KS -- Suddenly struck by a heart attack, Ed Mann, 59, lied down on a couch and had Margie call 911. Sitting by Ed, she heard him say "Margie, I am dying. And take care of the kids. Plus, I think I left three 20 dollar bills in the pocket of the jeans I just threw in the laundry hamper."

Shostakovich Disc Finally Sells!

2011-05-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

Des Peres, MO -- Employees at the record and DVD department of Barnes and Noble posted a secretly taken photo of an old man wearing a beret. He was the one that bought the oldest disc in the store that had been there as long as the store, some five years. It was some Shostakovich string quartet, they can look up which if someone really needs to know.

End Of The World Slow To Start

2011-05-21T04:02:00.000-07:00

Seismic activity has started for the End of The World phenomenon, but is still at mostly normal levels on the map.

Reporter Ken McDuffy in the UK has found a shoe in the road, possible indicating the rapture of a one legged man. However, no cane or crutches were found on the spot.

In Australia, Reporter Jane Goodall reports she has a headache, and wil check on the Rapture events after a nap.

In Missouri Eddie Madison noticed a broken watch strap that was working fine yesterday and has given many years of service. She also noted that Cicadas in great numbers crawled out of the ground last night to make a mess in the patio, leaving shells on patio furniture. We are exploring the Cicada and rapture connection. It could be considered a type of metamorphosis.

Up in Alton, IL, Pekka Järvinen reported river activity:

Reports from all across the city area indicate that the Rapture has taken to a slow start. At the joining of the Mississippi and Missouri rivers and with rain in the forecast, most most residents were prepared for levels of flooding to occur. One local commented "I had my family sleep in my fishing boat last night, just to be sure. We go floating down the river sometimes so I figured the kids were prepared to swim if they needed to."

Weather reports indicate that the river has not seen a change in height beyond the usual, and measurements indicate roughly 1/2 inch of rain on the day. The projected rainfall for the apocalypse at this time was 8-10 feet.

It's The End Of The World

2011-05-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

VIDEO ON YOU TUBE